I am a former Anglican Monk , and Teacher of
Christian Mysticism .
After a transformation as a result of reading The Cloud of Unknowing , My Partner and I were asked by the Dean of Lincoln to form a Contemplative / service Religious Community . I wrote the rule , and The Community of the Living Sacrifice was born .
The Community worked with young Gay people , and we housed ex-prisoners , newly released psychiatric patients and the Homeless .
As the Community was coming to a close , I discovered Ramakrishna , Sri Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta Maharaj . This revitalized the spiritual search, and in 1990 a final understanding occurred, and all seeking stopped . After about ten years, I attempted to " re-write " The Rule for the Community of the Living Sacrifice in Advaitic terms .
After another decade , and a series of dreams where Nisargadatta appeared to enter the dream and indicated to me that I should share my understanding with others, I decided to start " teaching " .
The oxymoron that titles this blog needs some explanation.
The only way one can express the Absolute is by silence. This makes it a challenge to those who try to teach. When the call comes to teach concerning the Ultimate Understanding, a kind of confusion comes that makes teaching, at first seem impossible. This is often why those who are Awakened either do not teach, or wait a very long time to do so.
After waiting for 20 years, and finding a sense of establishment, I have been trying to encourage others to step into the unknown in this search.
I explain my understanding as Love being your True Nature. Of course, this is not accurate, as the seeker will interpret Love in their own way. The Masters use words like Absolute, or Self to explain theunexplainable. Or they will talk of nothingness, or no-self. None of these things are at all accurate. This is why the early Masters referred to this asneti-neti;not this, not this. Only by describing what something is not, can one come close, as the Absolute is beyond explanation.
I use the word Love, as most of us have a vague idea of love, or at least sadly, the lack of love. ThisLove of which I speak can not be explained as the opposite of hate, or a "feeling" or "emotion", but as the creative force that, not only holds all together, but creates the "objects", and the "flow" between them. This is not a True explanation, but how my mind explained it to "me".
For some years, I struggled with the second verse from Chapter One of the Avadhuta Gita:
How shall I salute the formless Being,indivisible, auspicious, and immutable,who fills all this with His Self and alsofills the self with His Self?
I knew "myself" to be one with all. After years of "practice" I was "established" in the "I AM". Still I felt love for God, even as "I" recognized that "God" and "I" were not separate. Silent awareness would bring a response of tearful bliss. How can that be? I asked. How can love exist between two "objects" in this awareness? The answer came as "myself" and "God" vanished, and only Love was left. This was, of course, an answer in my mind. The mind called it Love. It was an explanation I could pass on to others, but not the truth. The Truth is here. I am the Truth, but I can't explain it. I can only be it.This is the meaning of Nebulous Clarity.
When this "happens" all is clear. There are no questions left. No more "seeking". But you can not explain it to others. Moreover, you cannot "explain" it to yourself! It is an understanding without knowledge. It requires the suspension of knowledge, and the suspension of a conclusion. There is nojudgment. There is no labeling. Only silent Awareness, without even an awareness of being aware.Nebulous Clarity.
Some years ago, I saw a play about Oscar Wilde, starring Vincent Price. It was presented as a lecture and talk, as given by Oscar Wilde at the end of his career. At the conclusion he said: "I've lied to you, you know! But you don't know where." This is the problem with the teacher of spirituality. They all "lie". Not in an attempt to fool you, or mislead you, but in an attempt to explain the Nebulous Clarity they live, but can't "explain", even to themselves. For any explanation is false. As soon as it is put into concepts, words, it is false. It can only be, and yet is beyond "being".
A teacher can only give pointers. You must look closely for yourself. Find who seeks, who wants clarity. But don't accept others "explanations", nor those of yourself. If you can "explain" it to yourself, it is false. You must "find" and accept Nebulous Clarity.