In my day, in High School, they had a Dean for every class from Freshman through Senior. I was lucky to have Charles Fesler as my Dean during this time. Fesler was a fat man. I don't mean that in a derogatory way, in any way. It was simply a characteristic that was unavoidable enough to be part of his whole "persona". He was also brilliant and sarcastically funny. As a fifteen year old, I worshiped the ground the man waddled upon.
Mr. Fesler took me aside after my second incident of walking out of some class, and explained that, he too had had a difficult time staying in some classes he had in college. He told me that I already knew everything they were likely to teach me in the next couple of years, and that missing the classes was not so important as changing my manner of exit. "I was prone to nosebleeds in college", he said, "it proved to be the best excuse. I used to carry a handkerchief around that was covered in blood from previous nosebleeds, and when ever I felt that need to exit stage right, I would wave the bloody handkerchief in the professor's face, and head to the door. Worked every time."
He advised me to simply hold my hand over my mouth, point desperately to the door, and exit on the assumption that no one was going to ask questions. I never used that advise.
The simple "I understand" attitude. The implied "permission" to be myself, to "freak out" once and a while removed so much pressure, I never felt the need to run again, at least in that way!
This brings me to the point of this Note; facing the fact that a "call " to the spiritual search is as life altering and dangerous as the "awakening" that inevitably follows a real "call ". The "call ", the "search" and the "awakening" are all part of one unfolding. They appear in succession due to time, but the "awakening" is present at the first "call ", that "call " being to "awaken". The average fellow in the street does not think of this, unless there is the "call ".
Simply looking for "answers " or "peace of mind " are "reasons" a number of "seekers" use for entering the "path". While this kind of "self-improvement " can be commendable, the spiritual search that will bring you home, comes only from itself; Love "calling" itself. This requires "walking out " sometimes. Life on your own terms. Trusting instinct. I have always marched to my own drummer. Lots of trouble. Lots of trouble! But the march has brought me home.
Home is calling. If you don't hear the "call ", pretending to "answer " it will only create more problems that it will solve. An intellectual understanding will not open the door. The "call " is to the heart, don't let the mind "hack " it. If it "calls" you to exit class or a business meeting, so be it. When life seems a confusion, simplify it by walking out. You are not of this world. Live your life in service to the "call ".
If you are quiet and lucky enough to receive this grace, this awareness of the "call " , you will find the "goal ". The "process " is already "underway ". Follow the "call ". Don't waste your time looking for "self-improvement " or "peace of mind ". Both are noble goals, but only Love seeking itself, perhaps even in spite of "you", will take you home, because it "is " home. So remember, when life starts to get you down or confused, simply remember the freedom outside the "room ". Hand over the mouth, without needless or wanted explanation, exit stage right, into the real. (Mr. Fesler will cover for ya!)