The Memory Child and the Kingdom of Heaven

I remember very distinctly when I was about twelve years old, saying to myself that I was going to be sure when I "grew up " to recall what it was like when I was a child. Of course, I did not.

As I approached adolescence, I felt a strong sense of nostalgia for my childhood, even though still being in it. This was the 1950's, and in those days, a child was still a child at twelve. I loved being a kid. As a big kid, I was already getting "those looks " from older adults who suspected I was a budding "juvenile delinquent " , and this made me feel creepy.

I could see that adults were lost in a world of worries and concerns that not only troubled them, but created a gap between themselves and children. I could also see that this did not bother them; this separation. I could not understand this. I was aware, even then, that the bible held children in great respect. Jesus said children should be allowed to come to him, and that those who were like children were the first in the kingdom of heaven. So why did the grown ones look on us as "silly"?

As I grew older; teenager, youth, young adult (all the labels we endure until the day we are officially adults), I grew more and more away from the promise I had made to recall my childhood. When I was 18, I became a Nursery Sunday School Teacher at my local Presbyterian Church. I had a class of three year olds, and the teaching of Christianity took on a particular importance, even though I was an agnostic at the time. I found however, that the person who was learning the most was me. Each Sunday the three year olds would take me by the hand and remind me, not only who I had been, but who I was.

As I have mentioned before, as an adult well into my fifties, I made a habit of watching Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. For those who do not know that show, Mr. Rogers was a Presbyterian Minister who had a show for very young children. Every day he would talk about things that mattered to his audience, their fears, their joys, their anger, separation from parents, and all manner of things we forget as adults. The show became a quiet meditation for me. It reminded me what childhood is like, not a "remembered " childhood, but the childhood that lives inside me now.

When we read a biblical passage like "to such as these (children) belongs the kingdom of Heaven " We are inclined to think of our own childhood. We nostalgically remember feelings and events of past days. Some of these remembrances may be painful, even tragic. We may think, "I'm glad that's over ", or "I remember being so free, but of course, I had no responsibilities then." But this is indulging in memory, nostalgia, or whatever you may call it. It is not a real experience. On a psychological level it is colored by all that has happened since, and judged by the "adult " mind, so that it takes on an entirely different meaning than it did to the child that was experiencing it. On the spiritual level, a similar thing takes place. We tend to glorify the "childlike " state into an innocence and blissfulness that never existed outside of our imagination. The innocent child we remember is just that; a memory child. A construct of the mind.

To be "born again ", to use a Christian term I dislike for it's misuse, is not to return to the memory child, but to become really childlike in a fresh way. To awaken in non-dual terms, is just this, to become aware of life in it's freshness, it's freedom, it's potential. Awakening is really no more than this. To "become as Children " is not to resurrect a memory of childhood, either pleasant or unpleasant, but to begin to discover life as fresh, new every day. To see a bird, as if it were the first you had ever seen, without names for the colors, or feathers, or even the word bird. Just a magical, flying wonder. To see the grass wave in the wind like the sea, only without the ideas of sea or wind or grass. This is the attitude that sees the kingdom of heaven, that lives there and has it as it's inheritance.

When I look at it now, I may not have remembered what it was like to be a child, but my promise to myself has been kept. Each day in the silent sunrise. tears of Joy well up, not from a remembered childhood, but in the experience of the awakened now. The child lives. Not the memory child. He grew and became a man, just as he should have. The child that lives is the child I am, reawakened from the dust of memory. Resurrected from the tomb of the mind, into the kingdom of Heaven.

Murderer's Funerals and "this little child"

Matthew 18 - 1. At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?

2. And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,

3. And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

4. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

In response to one of my recent postings I received a couple of comments that told me that it is important to return again and again to the basics. One of the comments complained about my "one size fits all " philosophy. And the other commenter literally went on for days, both with me and other commenter's, explaining long philosophical arguments regarding love and it's place in this "cosmic trifle " we find ourselves suspended in.

In regard to my "one size fits all " philosophy. I would have to plead guilty. This commenter went on to say that I would be good at the funeral of a murderer. Again, I would have to agree. While I would "tailor " my approach to a particular "seeker ", I would not stray from earnestness in the pursuit of Love itself. At a murderer's funeral, I am sure I could find something worth while to talk about. All human beings are created out of the substance of Light, as well as dust. A person of light sees light even through the skin of human dust.

Recently, it has been implied that I am a "milktoast ", naive, or some kind of ex-hippie who lives in some kind of airy-fairy world of pseudo-bliss. It's true, I was raised in Marin County, California, in San Rafael. Marin was, even then, a bastion of "new age " and pop-psychological thought. But, finding myself to be Gay, as soon as I met my partner, it was off to San Francisco. My Partner and I managed residential hotels in San Francisco's Tenderloin district. We were the first to advertise in the mainstream press that our hotels were "Gay managed ". At that time, in that area of San Francisco, there was a lot of racial strife. The area was predominantly Black, but Gay people, being excluded from most other areas except for the expensive Castro district, were finding a home here.

In my "career " as a tenderloin hotel manager, in addition to helping hundreds of young Gay kids find a new life after having been tossed out of their homes by less than understanding parents, , I have had guns pointed at my face, my life threatened more times than I can remember and an arsonist burned one of our buildings to the ground at three in the morning. My Partner and I were both from the "burbs ", and were both plenty scared when we started. But after a short time, we not only brought up our buildings but helped change the face of the Tenderloin. Like the people we rented to, we were poor, but we found Love alive and well in that setting. We found, in a world of thieves, junkies and prostitutes; heart, love, and compassion. No, I am not a milktoast. I saw many of our former tenants and Friends die of AIDS, at a time when a diagnosis meant a death sentence. I have literally sat, talked and eaten with murderers, rapists, and child molesters. I have also consorted with Cathedral Deans, Lord Bishops, and Monks. I have had good friends in both groups, and seen "good" and "bad" in both. I do not write and speak from education. I speak from my life.

That brings me to the second commenter; the one who wants to define Love with words and thoughts. Love as I define it, is all that is. Some call this Parabrahman, the Absolute, Awareness, Nirguna Brahman, and on and on. Love is the tears in your eyes when you suffer, or when you observe a beautiful forest or sunrise. Love is a child's kiss on the cheek. Love is alive in the promise of a seed. We do not need big words or ideas like Parabrahman. We know what love is. We may have been denied it. We may have a distorted or even perverted idea of it, but we know it. Many of us, particularly the intellectual ones, will try to hide from it in the mind. We will insist on talking; using big or esoteric words. We will design systems that lead intellectually to the "door of truth ", and then stand outside the door trying to open the door with our talk, having forgotten the "key ".

What is this key ? It is stated in the quotation above: Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. What does it mean to "become as little children "? It means to live in unconditional Love. My "teaching ", if I dare call it that, is simply to return to that simple loving trust that you "knew " in childhood. The difficulty comes about when we understand that this unconditional love comes at the cost of vulnerability. As we grow, we keep putting on layers and layers of masks. Education, social conditioning, unbridled regimentation, all play a part in masking and hiding our "true " nature. Education, rightfully held up as "valuable " often becomes the biggest enemy. For it is here where we "seekers " in non-duality find our shelter. We study our own and other religious systems, we learn new words to describe the indescribable. But mostly we hide. We hide in the mind because we know that the "truth " will not bother us there. Every person who has made even a cursory study of religion, philosophy, spiritual ideas, practices or rituals finds that at one point there is that step beyond the mind into silence.

This silence is the "classroom of the heart ". This is where the child learns. The child sees the sky in silence. Not yet having words like atmosphere, or possibly even "blue ", the child sees the sky as it is. The view brings wonderment and love without definition, by simply being. This is becoming a little child; this "conversion " of sky back to it's original substance; Love. This is really what the spiritual "search " is all about, this "converting " maya back into love. As we "age ", we not only begin to see "blue ", we begin to define "sky " as atmosphere if we are "educated ", and perhaps "God's Home" if we desire to live in fantasy. But either way, the clear "seeing ", without "blue", "ether", atmosphere, "heaven " or any "quality " or name is the clear "seeing " we strive for. This is the reason for the "classroom of the heart ". Silence is not something to be "cultivated ". It is the absence of cultivation. It is completely unsophisticated and uneducated. It is the "silence " of the little child. Not that little children are silent. They are filled with the exuberance of Joy. A Joy that comes from this "silent " observation without defining boundaries or verbal "prisons ".

This is the humbling of oneself like the child. To give up the web of words, leave the "search " and become empty. Not empty in some negative sense, but empty of ideas about yourself. Many are so afraid of the "next step ". They fear that "death "; that leaving behind the image of the "seeker ", the "learner ", and the "enlightened one ". But a child has no image of "enlightened ". They are free of to see the "sky ", initially, even with out "sky ", let alone "blue ", and all the other complicated "thought stuff ". I once said that "enlightenment " is giving up all that you hold for all that you are. This requires trust. It requires returning to a "time " when you lived free from words and conditioning. That means stepping out of all your ideas about yourself. Your spirituality must be simple, wordless, visible only in the fulfilling of love. The Bible speaks of the rich man turning away from Jesus because he was asked to give his riches to the poor, and follow. This applies to our "wealth " of knowledge as well. All must be burnt up in the fire required to "become as little children ".

When you become, "as a little child ", lost in love, living in the "kingdom of heaven ", you are in a wordless realm. Like the exuberance of Joy of the child, you want to jump on the furniture and shout to all about this wonderful Joy. But you are in a wordless realm. All of us who try to "teach ", can just smile, babble a bit, and point to the moon. Like a child's rattle; not even color or sound to the child, but Joy itself, we wave our little words, giggle a bit, and share love. This great wisdom of the child, this great bravery and trust of the child is simple and gentle, but not "milktoast". It takes great courage to live as a child in a world of "adults". If you don't remember, ask one. But that is what earnestness is all about. To live on Love alone, without concepts, images or words. To live in the trust of a wordless understanding and Joy. That is becoming as little children.

The Child behind the Mask

When I was about 22 years old, I had the most extraordinary experience. I was having trouble with depression, and in the middle of a confusing identity crisis. I found myself, at that early age, longing for my childhood. The whole social/sexual thing was something I was totally unprepared for, and the seemingly "simpler" time of my youth seemed like an alien world. I found myself asking "what happed to the child?, what happened to the child?"

In the depths of that longing; a longing of wanting to be "clean" again, the child I had been "appeared" before me and engaged in a silent dialog with my soul. There was a silent sharing of sadness over the loss of innocence, but also an understanding that this "dream" child was just that; a dream, and always had been! I was also made aware that this child was not me; was never me. For here I was; "conversing" with the child I was; a child who lives only in memory; a dream child.

This experience went on for some time. I can't say for sure how long, but there was a tendency to not want the child to go, as I was learning, uncovering so much. But, like all experiences that come, it went. It left a permanent impression however. I had long believed myself not to be the body, but here I could see that I also was not this "memory child". I was observing this child, just as I observed my "observing self", and could plainly see they both lived in memory. The child, created from past memory, the present man, created from "instant recollection" memory. Yes, we make it up as we go along.

The "dream child" is not entirely fictitious. It is what remains in memory, of the original spark; the comfort of constant awareness. Once the infant emerges from the womb, and shortly thereafter transforms "I AM-ness" into a separation from everything else, self protection begins. The first mask is the I AM-ness itself. From there it is mask after mask. Always the child is trying on new masks. A "Mommy" mask. A "Daddy" Mask. A "Good Boy/Girl" mask. A "Bad Boy/Girl"mask. And the masks don't go away just because there is a "new" mask. Think how many people go through several different sets of masks as they are presented with "different" situations. Some will "regress" to "infantile" behavior. Infantile, defensive behavior in an "adult" can be a frightening thing. It is the kind of behavior that leads, ultimately, to war. But the fear of the child; the primal fear of separation and alienation, is hidden under masks. So many masks hide us from ourselves and others.

When I was in the Monastery, I had already had years of psychiatric inquiry. I had been to some pretty dark and scary places in my soul, and held no illusion of my "holiness". In the formation of the monk, there is further "braking down" of the "ego", what ever that is? But let it be sufficient to say that, by the time one has gone through the kind of inquiry into one's soul those two "practices" lead to, one has few corners in which to hide. When I left the Monastery, I told people I felt like I was walking around without my skin. A Monastery is a "safe" place to go "skinless". In fact that is one of the main purposes of Religious Community. In community, masks must be removed, one by one, until the "original face" is all that shows.

I have found that the "dream child" has the frightened separated I AM at it's heart. It is this child that lives deep inside us all. It seeks the memory of the "spark", the completeness of awareness, but it will not take off that last mask; the mask of "I AM". Instead of taking off that last mask, it puts on more masks for protection, so by the time adulthood is reached, the spark is hidden under masks of "teacher", "businessman", "lover", "wife", "mother", "seeker". The "dream child" still cries for union under all the masks, even it's own, but the letting go of the masks needs to recognize the fear of this child, and lead it back, mask by mask, so it has the fearlessness to let go of the final "I AM' mask.

To find this "dream child" takes all the courage one can find. To face your true self, which is what the "dream child" actually is, is often to face ugliness. We like to see children as sweet, innocent little beings, untouched by violence or greed, or any of the "sins" we see in ourselves. But the fact is, anyone who has observed a pre-school playground knows that small children can be extremely selfish and violent in expressing their selfishness. Once one has the sense of "I AM-ness", and has yet to learn to use the "masks", self protective behavior is what you will get. We all are selfish. Some more than others. It all depends on the degree of fear or trust. Some "dream children" have more masks than others.

Remember that your wife, husband, boss, teacher, child has a "dream child". Their behavior, no matter how "adult", will be based on the fear or confidence of that "dream child". If you come to recognize your "dream child", and it's fears, you will go a long way in understanding the "bad" things others seem to do. When we can see each other as scared children simply trying to get "home", perhaps we can give sympathy, instead of enmity. When you begin to realize that your self protective behavior comes from the longings for safety of the "dream child", you can understand how you can go to the source; the "spark" beyond the "I AM", and find your "original face". Remove the "job" mask. Remove the "Man or Woman mask". Remove the "adult/child" mask. Finally, grit your teeth, and remove the "I AM" mask. Being remains.

The Simplicity of the Little Child

Studies of Spiritual or Religious beliefs, doctrines and practices can become very complicated.

But the "Masters" have taught very simple truths, very simple practices. Ramana Maharshi asks us to inquire "Who am I?". Nisargaddata Maharaj tells us to stay in the "I AM". Jesus, the Christ, said "Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven."

Becoming as little children is the humbling experience that allows Love, the reality of what we are, to flow. There is nothing complicated about it.

Once we have resolved the fact of our "I AMNESS", and can abide in it, it is a simple step to Awareness. Perhaps it will take much study of complicated beliefs, doctrines and practices for us to realize that our minds can not reach the "Truth". Because we do not listen to the "Masters", we feel we need to "reinvent the wheel", and fill our minds with spiritual dross. But those who trust like little children, will listen and follow the simple teachings. Some need to "exhaust the mind" to come to the realization that the mind cannot grasp, or even approach Awareness, while the simple child like ones come upon Awareness naturally.

Many "Masters" from all spiritualities have spoken of simplicity: Lao Tzu said “I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures.”. The medieval Monk and author of "The Imitation of Christ" Thomas a Kempis wrote: “Purity and simplicity are the two wings with which man soars above the earth and all temporary nature.” The Indian Sage of the Late 19th and early 20th centurys, Papa Ramadas says "Simplicity is the nature of great souls". It is not hard to see and understand that simplicity is the road to Truth.

We are no less than God's Love. The creative flow of Love is all that there is. God, the "I AM" and the world all vanish in that simple flowing Love.

I am telling you, become like a little child, forget all your "wisdom" and concentrate on this passage from Dattatreya's Avadhuta Gita: 2 "How shall I salute the formless being, indivisible, auspicious, and immutable, who fills all this with His Self and also fills the self with His Self?"

Dwell on this question. It is beyond the mind. Your Heart will answer.