"Is This What You Want?"

I am going to tell you about a couple of my dreams, so I want to begin with a statement about my thoughts on dreams. I have examined dreams from both a psychological and philosophical point of view, and have to say that the psychological view seems to be commensurate with my experience. That said, I also have great respect for potential, and it's ability to do most anything! While I believe the manifestation generally follows predictable "rules ", I do not discount an unpredictability beyond my understanding. If spirit "creates " a manifestation, it can certainly arise as dream.

The two dreams I mentioned were both dreams of Nisargadatta Maharaj. I discovered I AM THAT, in 1986 in the San Francisco Public Library. My own copy, a hard cover Indian edition purchased atField's book store in San Francisco, was purchased a short time later. I have been acquainted with Maharaj for over a quarter of a century. I have not only read I AM THAT several times, I have read almost everything by or about him. But that was some years ago. So I was surprised to recently have two dreams in close succession that featured him, as I had never dreamed of him before. I tell of them because they were a strong impetus to begin writing and talking about non-duality from my own perspective.

Both were short, and the first was the easiest to explain. In the first dream I was in a room, Nisargadatta was standing in a doorway. In his hands were sacred objects made of plaster, from a variety of different faiths. He looked at me, and threw the sacred objects on the floor, braking them to pieces. He looked at me a second time and the dream was over. An easy dream to "decipher". The uselessness of religious dogma, clear enough. My only question was, why would I have such a dream? I know that already. Why waste a perfectly good encounter with Maharaj on something so basic? But I dismissed it largely until the second dream a few weeks later.

In the second dream, Nisargadatta was again, standing in a doorway. As he silently stood there, I approached him and put my hands on his shoulders. We stood face to face, with me staring into those eyes, and tears started to well up in both our eyes. As we stood locked in this silent embrace, there was an unspoken question of "is this what you want? ".

It Took me a while to understand that it was meant that I share my message; that I share this Love. It was clear I was not to be a spokesman for him or his message. We were two faces, two expressions. I would not presume to teach as Nisargadatta did. The message was, not to worry about my lack of education, but write in my simple way as he taught in his. His, or the Absolute's question; "is this what you want ? " meant, do you want to be a conduit for this love we now share? I had had my "experience", my "understanding" 20 years ago. I had tried to flog a book, but it didn't catch anyone's attention, so I just lived my life.

Being a somewhat introverted, quiet type, I had no desire to teach, but I did have a desire to share with like minded/hearted folks. This is why I write and share on Facebook and my blog. Because this is what I want. I want to look into your eyes, figuratively or literally, and share that Love, that understanding. Dream or not, psychological or philosophical, I was able to share that moment with Maharaj. I hope to be able to share such a moment with you and in turn ask "is this what you want? "

The Child behind the Mask

When I was about 22 years old, I had the most extraordinary experience. I was having trouble with depression, and in the middle of a confusing identity crisis. I found myself, at that early age, longing for my childhood. The whole social/sexual thing was something I was totally unprepared for, and the seemingly "simpler" time of my youth seemed like an alien world. I found myself asking "what happed to the child?, what happened to the child?"

In the depths of that longing; a longing of wanting to be "clean" again, the child I had been "appeared" before me and engaged in a silent dialog with my soul. There was a silent sharing of sadness over the loss of innocence, but also an understanding that this "dream" child was just that; a dream, and always had been! I was also made aware that this child was not me; was never me. For here I was; "conversing" with the child I was; a child who lives only in memory; a dream child.

This experience went on for some time. I can't say for sure how long, but there was a tendency to not want the child to go, as I was learning, uncovering so much. But, like all experiences that come, it went. It left a permanent impression however. I had long believed myself not to be the body, but here I could see that I also was not this "memory child". I was observing this child, just as I observed my "observing self", and could plainly see they both lived in memory. The child, created from past memory, the present man, created from "instant recollection" memory. Yes, we make it up as we go along.

The "dream child" is not entirely fictitious. It is what remains in memory, of the original spark; the comfort of constant awareness. Once the infant emerges from the womb, and shortly thereafter transforms "I AM-ness" into a separation from everything else, self protection begins. The first mask is the I AM-ness itself. From there it is mask after mask. Always the child is trying on new masks. A "Mommy" mask. A "Daddy" Mask. A "Good Boy/Girl" mask. A "Bad Boy/Girl"mask. And the masks don't go away just because there is a "new" mask. Think how many people go through several different sets of masks as they are presented with "different" situations. Some will "regress" to "infantile" behavior. Infantile, defensive behavior in an "adult" can be a frightening thing. It is the kind of behavior that leads, ultimately, to war. But the fear of the child; the primal fear of separation and alienation, is hidden under masks. So many masks hide us from ourselves and others.

When I was in the Monastery, I had already had years of psychiatric inquiry. I had been to some pretty dark and scary places in my soul, and held no illusion of my "holiness". In the formation of the monk, there is further "braking down" of the "ego", what ever that is? But let it be sufficient to say that, by the time one has gone through the kind of inquiry into one's soul those two "practices" lead to, one has few corners in which to hide. When I left the Monastery, I told people I felt like I was walking around without my skin. A Monastery is a "safe" place to go "skinless". In fact that is one of the main purposes of Religious Community. In community, masks must be removed, one by one, until the "original face" is all that shows.

I have found that the "dream child" has the frightened separated I AM at it's heart. It is this child that lives deep inside us all. It seeks the memory of the "spark", the completeness of awareness, but it will not take off that last mask; the mask of "I AM". Instead of taking off that last mask, it puts on more masks for protection, so by the time adulthood is reached, the spark is hidden under masks of "teacher", "businessman", "lover", "wife", "mother", "seeker". The "dream child" still cries for union under all the masks, even it's own, but the letting go of the masks needs to recognize the fear of this child, and lead it back, mask by mask, so it has the fearlessness to let go of the final "I AM' mask.

To find this "dream child" takes all the courage one can find. To face your true self, which is what the "dream child" actually is, is often to face ugliness. We like to see children as sweet, innocent little beings, untouched by violence or greed, or any of the "sins" we see in ourselves. But the fact is, anyone who has observed a pre-school playground knows that small children can be extremely selfish and violent in expressing their selfishness. Once one has the sense of "I AM-ness", and has yet to learn to use the "masks", self protective behavior is what you will get. We all are selfish. Some more than others. It all depends on the degree of fear or trust. Some "dream children" have more masks than others.

Remember that your wife, husband, boss, teacher, child has a "dream child". Their behavior, no matter how "adult", will be based on the fear or confidence of that "dream child". If you come to recognize your "dream child", and it's fears, you will go a long way in understanding the "bad" things others seem to do. When we can see each other as scared children simply trying to get "home", perhaps we can give sympathy, instead of enmity. When you begin to realize that your self protective behavior comes from the longings for safety of the "dream child", you can understand how you can go to the source; the "spark" beyond the "I AM", and find your "original face". Remove the "job" mask. Remove the "Man or Woman mask". Remove the "adult/child" mask. Finally, grit your teeth, and remove the "I AM" mask. Being remains.

The Dream Guru

The Dream Guru is the Guru we have been waiting for all our lives. They are the the ultimate; where a touch or even a single glance can bring transformation!

Too bad if our Enlightenment is to come from the guy in the form of the Trash Man.

Seriously though, a Guru, or a 'guru experience' can come from anywhere or anyone. Recently, on a popular social networking site, among non-duality circles, there has been more criticism of gurus and New Age or Neo-Advaita teachers. While much can be said on this subject, and some criticism is warranted, it is not particularly wise or spiritual to spend much time or concern over what others are doing. If you don't like a particular spiritual teacher; don't go see them, don't read their books, don't go on their retreats. But don't spread negative opinions, without being asked, because someone turns out not to be your dream guru.

One such critic was insisting that all real gurus must be able to perform shaktipat. Some gurus claim to do shaktipat. Others do not. This critic claimed that many teachers and gurus claim to be aware, but do not, indeed cannot do shaktipat, so they are charlatans. This is nonsense. It is the stuff of the dream guru. One is only a charlatan if one claims to do shaktipat and is unable to. Claiming to be a teacher or even a guru does not make one a charlatan. It does not make one a teacher either!

Part of the search is learning discrimination. But we must learn it. Another's opinion, if asked for, is welcome in the search, but we must make the final decision based on knowledge and intuition. We too have our dream guru hidden inside our mind. He has to meet several expectations, all gathered from the search and past disappointments. When I left the Christian Church, the need for the dream guru arose.

Apart from disappointments with the structural church, which were many, I came to have difficulty with the creed. The part that called Jesus Christ 'Our only mediator and advocate' gave me pause to the point that honesty compelled me to leave the church. I lost no respect for the Being of Christ, but the search began again with even new fervor.

First, I came upon Ramakrishna. What a dream guru is Ramakrishna! Coming from a Christian setting, Ramakrishna, even with his affinity for Christ, was a big leap. I was however very impressed by some of his followers. Vivekananda, while writing some wonderful works, and introducing Vedanta to a wider audience, seemed to me to be the predecessor of many of the money making gurus so prevalent today. Because Ramakrishna and Ramana were next to each other on the library shelves, the next part of my search for the dream guru had begun.

Ramana was very refreshing. Very Indian, but dynamic and peaceful at the same time. Closer to what I was used to, but mysterious enough to keep up my interest. Perhaps a dream guru? Many today see Ramana as the ultimate Guru. Silent. Spoke only when necessary to compassionately teach. Many today teach in his lineage, even though he specifically did not establish one. Why? Because he is a dream guru.

None of this makes any of the successors to Ramana invalid in their teaching. Some may be good, and some may be just in it for the money, but we can only judge for ourselves. None is Ramana. He would not want them to be. We should not demand them to be the dream guru. They are simply the teachers they are. Some may be 'our dream guru', and if that's the case; fine. If we learn, become independent. and grow away from them, we gain. No guru is for life. We all must go into the One alone and naked.

I discovered my guru with the works of Nisargadatta Maharaj. A simple man. A man of little formal education, but infinite wisdom and earnestness. Over a quarter of a century has gone by since discovering Maharaj. Maharaj led me back into root intuition and into the sublime qualities of my own faith.

Interestingly, in recent months Nisargadatta Maharaj has come to my dreams. In the first, He appeared in a doorway. He looked at me, and threw a handful of Religious Icons on the ground, shattering them to pieces. In the second dream, Maharaj, again in a doorway, just stood looking at me. I was moved by his look, and placed my hands on his shoulders. As we stood facing each other, the look became pure Love, and the understanding was clear. I took my leave of him, and when I awoke, it became clear that I should try to teach, and share that Love.

I, like Nisargadatta himself, believed the words of the Guru. But it took an 'event' of awareness to understand with more than the mind. A moment of facing reality; the BIG REALITY, alone. No Guru can come with you, as they are already there! He is not taking you anywhere. He is inviting you to join him, in the most real sense anyone can. But you must be present. You must be willing to join the guru in his freedom. If you expect the guru to touch you into understanding, you need to be ready to let go of ignorance. The guru and the student are not separable from the teaching. Both appear and subside with the teaching. Forget the dream guru. He lives in your mind. He may have powers. They live in the mind as well. Go beyond the mind.

Do not look for a Ramana. Do not look for a Second coming of Christ. Do not seek anything inside the mind. The True Guru is not in the dream world. The kingdom of heaven is within you.