"The Shadow", as a Weapon

As I have stated before, I was seeing a psychiatrist when I was nine. I could not face any kind of social life, so I refused to go to school. I either spent my days hiding out on top of my Grandparent's shed, or in the wonderful hills and rocks above my home.

I have never been social, always disliked parties, and have avoided large groups. When I decided to start writing and sharing my spiritual musings on Facebook, it was a big step. I really shouldn't say I "decided ", because the pull of Love has deemed it so, and I really have no choice but to share.

I knew when I came to Facebook that I would be challenged. As I have said repeatedly, I do not hold any degree, or even a high school diploma. True, I do have a year of collage, having past the entrance exams, but remain undereducated in contrast to many of my Facebook friends. My college studies were mostly based around psychology courses, as I had hopes of becoming a teacher, but the social side made college trying, and I soon left the academic world.

My years of psychiatric inquiry, which, as I said, started at nine, and the courses I took added to a good understanding of what makes people, particularly me, tick. By the time I was twelve, I had a good handle on the concepts of repression, regression, denial and projection. I was alarmingly open.

I have found that in the spiritual community, the non-dual community in particular, projection has become a facet of self-inquiry. The concept of each of "us " projecting the "other " has become an "article of the faith " in non-duality. This projection, as conceived by Freud, was later named "The Shadow ", by Carl Jung, and adapted by Ken Wilber in a kind of spiritual psychology. It is a wonderful way of self examination, and has great benefits when used properly for self inquiry. It has, unfortunately, been turned around and become a kind of spiritual weapon.

In the last couple of days, this weapon has been turned on me twice, by those who are unwilling to look at themselves and their actions. This is, of course, OK, as no one needs to look at themselves if they don't want to. I will admit to being frank. I am Asperger's, and I will tell you things others won't. Honesty and integrity are very important to me. I pull no punches, either with myself or others. I have seen, and continue to see the ugliness in my life, my actions, and my thoughts. Sometimes it isn't pretty, but I could not live without full discovery.

The "weapon " aspect of projection, (the Shadow), comes in when someone is told an observation that they don't like, or want to deny. The first reaction is to throw "The Shadow " at the observer and dismiss the observation as a projection of the "others " own faults. This has become very common, and is often used by the self proclaimed "enlightened ". If it is pointed out that what is seen is not indicative of an "awakening " or "enlightenment ", "The Shadow " is thrown. This was demonstrated byRamesh Balsekar in his infamous sex scandal, and in the subsequent defense of his actions byWayne Liquorman, Ramesh's protégé. This is not what "The Shadow " is for.

"The Shadow "; projection, is a method of self-inquiry. It is not for making judgments of "others " observations. First, there really are no "others ", so any observations are only appearing out of the One. Looking deeply into ourselves, and seeing our fears and doubts cast upon "others " is deep work, and is a "lifetime ", ongoing process. It is useful and can bring about understanding. But the use of it as a "weapon ", has just the opposite effect. It says, "I do not have to take advice or criticism seriously, as I am "enlightened ", so it is just their inadequacies being projected onto me.", "I did not have sex with a student, or behave unprofessionally, or resort to name calling, it's your "Shadow " that sees this."

This throwing of "The Shadow " is not only a weapon against criticism, it is a weapon against our self, and it's spiritual development. We need to, if we are honest, look at our motives, question our thoughts, and see deeply inward. Even if we see ourselves as "enlightened " (which is often, if not always, a stumbling block in itself), we must be vigilant. "Awakening " itself brings this about. The "awakened " becomes the observer. Inner details become obvious, flaws are seen and accepted, not "thrown " at "others ". The proclamation of no faults, all bliss, should be a red flag to any coming in contact with such an "enlightened ".

Many of the self proclaimed "enlightened " remind me of the lyrics from the Steely Dan song; "Reelin' in the Years" ; "You been tellin' me you're a genius Since you were seventeen In all the time I've known you I still don't know what you mean". If you question one of these "enlightened " about their "enlightenment ", you had better duck, "The Shadow " will be thrown. Question your own "Shadow ", by all means, but if you throw it, you need to really question that. With openness, you need no weapons, just Love.

Peace

Offering False Hope

On Sunday I put up a Note called "Enlightenment and Depression." It was about those who suffer with clinical/chemical depression, and how by seeing through the body/mind, it is still possible to live as Love. It was well received, and many resonated with it's message.

The following day, another Facebook friend, put up a Note saying that "enlightenment " or "awakening " could turn that around, and even suggested that the DNA could be changed. I must admit that this Note made me rather angry. Regardless of the language, which basically called those with depression, people with a "victim mentality ", it was the offering of false hope that upset me.

It was my intention to let people with depression (myself included) know that "awakening " is happening "right now " in the present moment, even in the face of apparent depression. I wanted to say that Love is what you are, even if sadness, even despair, is present in your mind. In my Note of response, I questioned why someone who claims "awakening " could make such a hollow promise of hope.

The first response I received from the writer, was "An ugly distortion by a depressed mind ". Not a very kind remark, but it made me laugh, coming from one who makes a point of touting his "love and compassion ". The personal remarks aside, he later wrote that "my writing is meant to offer hope." And therein lie the rub! Hope is holding out a carrot of some future event that will make "everything blissful and pristine ". Not going to happen!

There is only the present; the past and future being only in the mind. To offer hope is to make a false promise of "change", even a change in DNA, in some imaginary future. Hope lives only in the future! Even the Christ had his agony in the Garden of Gethsemane, and turned it into acceptance. He asked the Father to remove it from him, but he knew it must be endured and accepted. His suffering in the face of being an actual victim, did not give him a "victim mentality", it gave him the opportunity to accept and surrender. Depression gives us such an opportunity.

To offer false hope, when acceptance of what is, is the only answer, is cruel. and misguided. Like hope, Depression lives only in the mind. Living in the heart accepts the "externals ", pleasant, or not. Pleasant or unpleasant are only judgments of the mind, and have no power over the understanding that Love is what you are.

Peace

Enlightenment and Depression

What? What's that you say? Depression, enlightenment , in the same sentence? How can that be? Isn't "enlightenment " supposed to be a "cure " for depression? No, it's not, but the two work together in a very mysterious and wonderful way.

I am not talking here about the "blues ", or some momentary setback or disappointment, but genuine clinical depression, the kind that leads to despair and suicide. And I don't want to forget anxiety, depression's companion and playmate. What do these have to do with enlightenment? They seem the opposite of "enlightenment ", the very kind of thing that many seek enlightenment to "save " them from.

This is one of the reasons that I so dislike the "once enlightenment takes place there is peace of mind " crowd. Sure, if you are one of the "normal " people with a regular neurology, "NT's", or "neurotypicals", as we Asperger's folks call the rest of you, some kind of enlightenment may bring peace of mind. But to us, who suffer clinical depression; neurological depression, enlightenment brings understanding. In fact, I have found that the neurological kind of depression may indeed bring about the "shift " that is so necessary for enlightenment to take place. We are "special " people, and our differences, including our depression, are our "special gift "; a grace waiting to be discovered.

How can I call a neurological depression and anxiety a gift? Once it is discovered that depression; neurological depression and anxiety, is present, it is discovered that it is a chemical process; part of the body. The body/mind we appear to be "born " with is a complete system of functions, mostly unconscious. We can dismiss it as an "illusion ", but it's reality is part of the functioning of the whole. If you prick it, does it not bleed? Among the functions of this complex mechanism are both the personality, and the way it perceives the world. Enlightenment does not necessarily change the personality, only the perception.

This is why we have so many different kinds of Gurus. The personality is part of the body/mind complex. It lives until the body dies and ceases functioning. It's something we have to put up with in our "acceptance ". It will be gone soon enough.

But to get back to the "gift " of depression and anxiety. Many people are treated for neurological depression with drugs. This works for a certain number of cases, but not all. The drugs work because they trigger endorphins, those little "happy making " hormones in the chemical body. This process makes clear to the mind that the "depression " or "anxiety " is simply a functioning of the body.

When one looks at this kind of depression, it becomes apparent that there is depression and anxiety, without "external cause ". But until this is discovered, the mind thinks it "feels " depressed and anxious, when it is really only a bodily function. The mind usurps the feeling and starts to desperatelyseek a cause. "It's my horrible Wife or Husband. " "It's my boss or job " "I'm a terrible person, and deserve no better " Any number of possibilities arise in the mind. It's as if you stub your toe, and blame the pain on your personality or character.

The "gift " comes in the seeing that the depression is simply a "happening ", and has no relationship toyou. Sure, it still "feels " bad. It still hurts. But now you are actually able to stand to the side of it, and watch it. "There is the depression again, but it's not me. " "These thoughts of anger and personal judgment are all in the mind. " "I am not my thoughts." It's that body, that "guy" in the dream that hurts, and not ME. " The "me " being the reality you are, the "I am ". Right understanding of depression and anxiety, can take you beyond the "I am ". This is it's "gift ", it's wonder.

For the last few decades, I have lived as Love alone. In the last 20 years it has been an unshakable conviction. The depression still continues, but is seen for what it is. I am able to live without medication, because I understand who and what I am. I am that unshakable Love and Awareness that is neither born or dies. I have described my anticipation of death as being like a child anticipating Christmas. Now you know why.

Somewhere I read the idea of the body as being like a wheel that is rolling down hill. It keeps going based on momentum. It keeps going until it either hits something, or loses it's momentum. Our body/mind contains the vital force, the personality and the thoughts. When it stops functioning, it is simply gross matter. To escape the body is to be totally free, provided there is awareness of the Self; that unfolding wholeness that we are.

This is the "purpose" of life, if we are to accept there is any purpose at all, this discovery of the Self. So many seekers who are looking for peace of mind, find that they get so far, and then find depression, anxiety, and other distractions that they consider "backsliding ". They say, "Oh, I can't have found the answer, I'm not "enlightened", because I'm depressed or anxious." But this isn't so. Perhaps among the "neurotypicals ", there is constant "bliss " in enlightenment, I could not tell you. But what I can tell you is that it is possible to constantly "behold the face of "God ", even through the physical and mental depths of depression and anxiety, when it is seen clearly that you are not the depression, but the observer of it. The depression and anxiety can itself become the Guru, the awakening to that "shift " of consciousness that takes you to Love. I have no doubt that I am Love, and I wait with great Joy for Christmas.

Peace

An Open Invitation

I was asked in an interview about my impression of Nisargadatta Maharaj's tossing people out of his little mezzanine room, and whether that showed love, or something else. My response was that maybe on some days Nisargadatta was a bit cranky. He was quite elderly by the late seventies and eighties, and I can understand that.

There is also the likelihood that he often felt that those who came only to "test " him, or find an intellectual answer or argument were not earnest enough to waste everyone's time on. In his later years, Nisargadatta wanted to stick to the basics, the very heart of the matter, not engage in verbal rhetoric.

As I put up my little notes, I often get among the loving responses, these same kinds of people seeking to "test ", argue and quibble. Many of these are educated people who are out to prove their own vision is "clearer " or that they can use words more skillfully or succinctly. This is of no matter here. I am a simple man, with no high school or collage degree. I do not have the words of the academic. I am not a scholar. What I understand has been placed in my heart, and from there I write and speak.

I am Love. I speak only as Love. I will not say I am "enlightened ", as I have always been as I am. I lived in the "big picture" from the time I was born. I have always lived with the understanding that I am not of this world. I have described elsewhere my "awakening " experience, and other "events " that are of little importance. All these things; the reading, the prayer, contemplation have only confirmed what was always present; I am Love.

I am no different than you. I appear to you out of your "dream " to tell you to look, see, that you are Love only. The "persons", "teacher", "seeker" are only expressions of Love. I speak of "Love unfolding ". This is not something I have heard and repeat, but what is seen here. That wonder, that blessing is what is being conveyed. I have nothing more to say or teach, and nothing to argue about. So far, I have not "tossed " anyone out (unfriended) for simply arguing, though it is tedious, when I am only sharing Love which can be accepted or not. It is only entertainment or a desire to show off your "knowledge " to argue with one who offers only Love. I will not argue with you.

I am mostly silent. All my life, I have been described as a "quite " person. I have always lived for the "not of this world " truth. This has been costly in "human " terms. Psychological breakdowns, forced institutionalizations, not being "social " enough to stay in school, have been my "reward " for living by "not of this world " truth. I often wonder what would have happened to Nisargadatta, Ramana, St. Teresa, , or Ramakrishna, had they been forced to live in modern, Western society.

But this is it, isn't it? Many of us do live in modern society, and we attempt to find "truth " while still being part of it. We get educations. Can you believe it, that some PhD's actually argue with me, andbecome sarcastic? I simply tell them what is seen here, and I am drowned in sarcastic intellect. It is so funny. Nisargadatta, Ramana, St. Teresa and Ramakrishna are my brothers and sister. We smile at each other, and understand. I don't agree with some, or in some cases, many of their "words ", but their hearts and mine beat in unison and Love.

As long as we hold that a place in society is important, are unwilling to give without reward or assurances of tomorrow, and feel the need to argue instead of be silent in the face of Love, we are simply spinning our wheels, and playing at "seeking " or "enlightenment ", which are, after all, only words we have heard.

Many of you may say, "he is just an uneducated buffoon playing at being a "teacher ".", and will unfriend and run away before anyone sees you associating with the like of me. And this is fine. I know nothing. I can tell you nothing. I can only say, you are Love unfolding, explore it for yourself. I am Love only, calling you out of your "dream". After all the pain, I can only reach out to you and say, I am the little boy who always trusted. I am trust itself. I am Love. Remove the superfluous, stand naked in life, and join me. It's an open invitation.

Peace

Is it Possible to Love too Much?

Can we be "too nice "? Is it possible to love too much? Not in my experience. When I was a small boy I was taught to love my neighbor as myself. The old "Golden Rule"; do unto others as you would have them do unto you, was the credo of my family. My Father would bring home the homeless and hungry. My Grandparents, who ran an apartment building, would have the whole building in for Thanksgiving and Christmas. They had even done this during the Depression, and believe me, they were poor!. Love was a visceral feeling in my home and in my life.

Today, psychology, and some philosophy would want you to believe that you need to "love yourself first" . There are those psychologists who believe that we "hate " ourselves, and therefore "seek " outside of ourselves for love. And of course, the "teachers " of non-duality, want us to concentrate on the "I am ". and love our "self " so we see through the false self to the inclusion of the "other ". These often simply become excuses for abiding in our selfishness.

This idea that, if I love myself, I am loving others, because we are all one, is a snow job. It's selfish. If we are all one, then loving others is loving yourself. This is also much more to the point and a safer position. It is much more difficult to love others as yourself, than to love others through yourself. We all start from a position of "I am ". This is the seed of selfishness. To lose your "self " in the love and service of others, is to find the "Self " that lives in us all.

My Mother used to tell me a saying my Great Grandmother used to tell her; "Brighten the corner where you are." An old fashioned saying for sure, but well remembered all the same. Bringing light, living as Love, this is what we are called to do. This does not mean using our minds to make judgments of who is pure or "loving ", but always being loving, even in the face of what appears to be evil.

The story is told of a robbery at Ramana Maharshi's Ashram. While many panicked, The Maharshi, even though mishandled by the intruders, told others to let the robbers have what they wanted. This was not out of fear, but out of loving kindness. The Maharshi was loving kindness itself. He had no choice but to follow his nature.

When I was a boy and in my teens, others would often tell me that so and so was taking advantage of me in some way. I would simply answer that I was aware of what was happening, and that no one could take advantage of me, as there was nothing that was "mine " that could be taken away. If you know who you are, you do not fear being taken advantage of, you have nothing to lose.

We can not stand as the "self " and make demands for "space ", or property, or even personal "peace ". If life, "God ", Love, sends into our lives "others ", then, if we are true to Love itself, we accept what is sent, no matter how "flawed ". Jesus, bleeding and dying on the cross, after suffering brutal humiliation and apparent "human failure ", said "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Those who "hurt " us, or "ill use " us are only engaging in Love in a "perverted " sense; self love, self protection. Our casting them aside, putting our own purposes and "self " protection before our love for them is no different.

The Christ's prayer at the Last Supper asks that the disciples "love one another " as he had loved them. How was that? How did he show his love for them? He hung on a cross and died. Ramana allowed his meager possessions to be stolen. Submission to life's situations is flowing with love. To hate another, to cast away another is selfishness, no matter what pretty philosophical or psychological bows you wrap it in.

Peace

Nothing But Love

On a hot day, as we look along the road from the car window, we see reflections in the road ahead of "water " shimmering on the pavement. As we approach, we see that it was a mirage. If we accept the vision we see as water, we are fooled. It is an illusion of water only. But if we see the shimmering, and we understand that it is heat moving the air that creates the effect, then we understand that it is hot outside the car. We are not fooled, as the "heat waves " are a true indicator of heat, not an illusion.

It has always seemed strange to me that in spirituality, the mind is cast into the role of villain, or at the very least into the character of charlatan. Concepts of maya, or the dream are created to dismiss the workings of the mind, and thoughts are seen as illusory.

The mind is not an independent entity. The mind is simply a "bag of thoughts ". The thoughts themselves make up the mind. When there are no thoughts, where is there a mind? The thoughts too, are looked at as misleading charlatans. But can they not be pointers beyond themselves to a vision of the Truth?

In Non-duality, we understand that there is only one substance. We can call it the Absolute, "God ", Love, Truth, or the "space " in which all appears, but we can all agree that there is only one substance. This being the conclusion, it becomes obvious that the thoughts are within that "space ". Thoughts passing through; expressions of the unfolding, are either allowed to "go on their way " or are "held " together in time, "forming " the bag of thoughts that appears as the "mind ".

Both the thoughts, and the bag that holds them, are not unlike the mirage we observe in the road; illusions if we take them for what they appear to be, but indicators of truth if we see them as theytruly are. The thoughts, the mind, are not villains or charlatans, they are simply misinterpreted as objects, movements, and feelings suspended in time. The mind, being really nothing but this collection of thoughts, is not the "creator" of the thoughts, but simply interprets them suspended in time. The thoughts themselves are part of the unfolding of the Absolute, of Life.

Those of you who know my teaching, know that I use the term Love in place of the Absolute. I do this for two reasons. The first, because this is how Love presents itself here. The second, because Love's understanding is in the heart. While the mind is not a villain or charlatan, it does tend to see the "shimmering " in the road as "water ". The collection of thoughts suspended in time, is seen by the mind as objects, movements and feelings, while the heart understands that there is only Love unfolding.

While many Non-duality teachers advise us to stay in the "I am " until it is recognized that the only thing in the "bag of thoughts " we can "know " is that we are. This only brings us to the door of understanding. To open the door, the key is in the Absolute (Love) itself. Just as we intellectually (bag of thoughts) understand that the "I am " is as far as the mind can go, we must exhaust ourselves in the search before this is real (realized). So it is with the key; the Absolute (Love). In order to "realize " Love as the "space " in which all unfolds, we need to see that we ARE Love. We do this by "being it ".

If we understand intellectually (bag of thoughts again), that Love is what we ARE, we need to make love a "practice ". This is done through service. To a "seeker ", especially one who is called to solitude or silence, this is sacrifice. To serve without reward, even praise or gratitude, opens the heart in a way that may even be missed by the dedicated "server ", but ultimately opens the heart to the Love that is the "space " in which everything unfolds.

This service, this living for Love alone, is the key to getting beyond the selfishness of the "I am ". Trying to escape the mind which clings to the "I am ", is only to strengthen it. To live for Love alone is to seek the "pearl of great price " . Just as we continue to see the mirage as "water ", we understand, have the conviction, that it is "heat waves " expressing as an "illusion " of water. So it is with the appearances of objects, movements and feelings. The mind (bag of thoughts suspended in time), sees objects, movements and feelings, but the heart, opened by living in Love (service), gains the conviction that this is all the unfolding of Love.

In this conviction, the mind is seen, not as a villain or charlatan, but a mirror in which the light of Love shines on the mystery unfolding before us. The tree=Love. The Sky=Love. The pain=Love. The "I am"=Love. When all is observed as love, with conviction, no matter the form it takes in the mind, we understand that we, the mind, and all else we "observe " is nothing but Love.

Peace

Surrendering Everything

In relative terms, the human being is made up of spirit, mind and body. Absolutely, there is just spirit; Love. In what we refer to as "spirituality ", there is the seeking and investigating into realm of spirit. In the West, when the intellect and psychology (mind) become dissatisfied with organized religion, there is often begun a "search " for a "more meaningful spirituality ".

In this search for meaning, many turn to Eastern philosophies, many of which also contain an element of religion. Some "seekers " will swap a religion that has lost it's meaning for a new religion that seems to answer questions that were left "hanging " in the old belief system. But many in the West want to jettison all "belief " systems for a logic based, "scientific " view; a spirituality without spirit.

At the other extreme, we find those who put great value in "spiritual experiences ". We hear of "blue light experiences ", mysterious figures, or rising up to heaven in a kind of self styled "transfiguration ". Some of these also like to use the name "God " as if such a "sky captain " were a reality. Where is a simple seeker after Truth to go in this spiritual marketplace?

Those who advocate the logical, scientific view teach a kind of "biological/psychological" spirituality, or as I said above, a spirituality without spirit. These are the ones who see "love " as a biological process inherent in the brain. They also are the ones who engage in psychological "games " and "tricks " like "watching the mind" , "shadow work " or simply asking us to stop our minds in order to experience "awareness" without thought. (as if that were possible to do with the mind!) These are all wonderful psychological practices and are helpful in quieting the mind and finding psychological "blockages ". But they are not spiritual, they are in the mind.

And again, the "spiritual experience junkie ", with his vision's of "God ", "explosive awakenings" , or "blue light experiences " is also living in the mind, as this is where these "experiences " happen. These are the teachers who tell you to look for a particular experience; particularly one like they have had, that can be defined in a particular way. They see no problem with being able to say you must have this kind of experience, or it's not authentic. Again, this is obviously in the mind. If your "experience " is definable or describable, it is in the mind. Again, where is the simple seeker after Truth to go in this spiritual circus?

We have been given examples of spiritual masters, gurus and teachers for centuries. There have been examples in every major belief system from Buddhist, Advaita, Christian, Islam to those of no fixed or specific system. They are all different, have different approaches and have formulated, or not, methods and practices. Although they very widely in their behaviors, they have some things in common. The first being that they lived out their teaching in lives that were unique and set apart. Lives of humility, unconcerned for the conventions of the world. Buddha, Christ, Ramana Mahrashi, Nisargadatta Maharaj, all lived lives that were not only different from ours, but different from the time and people they lived among. (Of those, Nisargadatta lived the most "ordinary" life, but his earnestness, love and generosity were anything but "ordinary".)

To say that there is nothing "special " about these teachers, or spiritual masters is foolish on it's face. How many Christians live as Christ? How many Buddhists, outside the monastery, live as Buddha? How many live as Ramana Maharshi or Nisargadatta Maharaj? This is really the key. The spiritual life is a life apart; a life unique. It is a "being in the world, but not of it". It is a life worked out by oneself, following the call life gives you.

To think that you can engage the world in an "ordinary " manner, ordinary meaning in this context, living for ordinary, worldly values and aspirations, is foolish, but this is what many of the teachers of "spirituality without spirit " will tell you. On the other hand the teachers of "spiritual experience ", with their rarified awakenings, visions of "God " and all the rest of it, are separating those with "The Experience " from those who have not had "The Experience ". They will tell you of course, that you too can have this wonderful experience as well, but are sure to tell you that you have not had it yet, unless you are like them, and see it in their vision . The intellectual, "spirituality without spirit " teachers are living in, and teaching from, the mind, and the "spiritual experience " teachers are living in, and teaching from, the world of ego (also mind).

To be "in this world, but not of it " is clear in a Buddha, a Christ or a Ramana Maharshi. Why fool yourself by being a Sunday Christian or a Satsang participant who forgets all the inconvenient truths while living your daily life. When Christ told the rich young fellow to sell his possessions and follow him, the fellow went away sad. What makes you think you can follow and hang on to anything? You need to leave all behind, be it mind games of psychological "discovery " or dream visions of "The Experience", and follow the call that calls you to be yourself.

Nisargadatta's famous quote; "When I see that I am nothing, that is wisdom. When I see that I am everything, that is Love, between the two, my life continually flows." is the beginning. To live that out, without psychological self indulgence, or "experiential " spiritual pride is the beginning. To do this is to "step off the cliff " into the unknown, the unsure, and the potentially unsafe. But to the True "seeker "; the one who is called by something other than a desire for peace of mind or to relieve personal "suffering ", there is no choice. Love is calling, calling from within. You will either follow or remain in the "safe" world of the mind.

Peace

We have no Secrets, Only Love

When I was about seventeen years old, I went to the theater to see a film called "David and Lisa". This was an independent film about David, a teenage boy who has an aversion to being touched. David feels that the touch of another human being will kill him. Placed in a mental institution by his parents, David strikes up an unlikely friendship with Lisa, an immature acting teen, who only speaks in rhyme, and will only communicate if she is spoken to in rhyme.

One of my favorite scenes from the film has the patients, on a field trip from the institution, waiting for a bus in the bus station. An unfriendly family, also waiting for the bus, becomes disturbed by their presence, and the father tells one of his children, "those people aren't normal" . Offended and hurt, some of the patients begin to cry and become upset. David comes forward and says to the father, "If you're normal, who wants to be normal?".

As I was seeing a psychiatrist weekly at that time, this became a kind of slogan for me; "If you're normal, who wants to be normal?". I was struggling with an identity crises at the time, my homosexuality coming to the surface. I had never been normal . I did not want to be normal. I had already had more than a year of psychiatry in my early childhood, and I did not like seeing this psychiatrist. At seventeen, I already knew more about myself, my motivations and "inner " life than anyone I knew, including most of the adults in my life. The shallowness, the emptiness of their pathetic lives was frightening. It was like living among robotic aliens.

Psychiatry to me, was like confession. I had told all my "secrets ". For a while, it was as if there was no "me " left. All those little things we keep hidden in our selves, that go to make up what we think we are, were gone. I was naked, scared, but very free. No one "had " anything on me, for it was all there on the table. I was my own. Naked, I was now free to "dress " myself as I chose. It was then that I chose to live for Love alone. Looking back, I can see that there really was no choosing, as there was never any choice, Love being the call I could not resist. All I knew was that life had to be experienced here, now, in it's own terms.

Now, as an aging human being, I can't say I feel any different. For many years I read and studied. I delved deeply into Christianity and Christian Mysticism. Then Nisargadatta Maharaj. I continue to have 60 or so books on the shelf that have inspired me, and I occasionally read bits here and there, but I don't read many new books or articles any longer. There are so many teachers, gurus and people that others have labeled as clear, holy, inspired and all the rest of it. But I have found that adapting others spiritual discoveries is only useful in gathering an intellectual understanding. The "teachings" must become alive in us. They must be lived.

When I was in school, I found that I could learn something much more thoroughly, if I took the reading and turned it into my own words, make it "my own", so to speak. If you read any of my notes or blogs, you will see that I try to explain my experiences and understandings in my own way. I will often use terms that are understandable to those who I feel will read my writing, but try not to use too much jargon or too many quotes. As a largely uneducated person, I try not to go beyond what I have found for myself. I know I am not normal. My "secrets " are gone. There remains nothing to protect. Life "wakes " in the morning, and I open my eyes to mystery.

In all honesty, apart from my Partner, I have no "friends ". Yet every "stranger " is loved. You, my readers are my life. I wish we could talk face to face. It would be so much clearer if we could share, and I could simply "be " with you. I was reading this morning that Robert Adams felt that self inquiry, and being in his presence were two ways to self discovery. I never really felt that "presence " would make a difference, but as the mystery of life unfolds through me, there is a greater sense that I would love to see deeply into your eyes, and speak directly to the love that is both speaking and hearing. But in a very real way, my writing is sharing a presence that lives both in it and in you.

Without secrets, we can be One. Without fear of who we are, we can see that stripped bare of masks we have the same face. Non-dual meetings or "satsangs " are more than "student " "teacher " get togethers. They are the Self meeting the Self. They are the celebration of the unfolding of Love. This is not "normal ". We are not "normal ". Who wants to be normal? There is no teacher. There is no student. We have no secrets, only Love.

Peace

"Wake up!", "Wake up!"

When my partner and I were in Lincoln, England, at the Cathedral, we were responsible for a variety of duties, one of which was opening the Cathedral during week days to prepare for the early Mass.

In addition to the opening procedure (which included letting out any pigeons that had made there way in through the bell tower over night!), John served the priest at Mass, and I was responsible for ringing the morning bell, calling the City of Lincoln to worship.

I can not explain the great joy I experienced ringing that bell. The bell had to be rung a certain number of times to indicate the time and day. I am afraid, after 25 years, I have forgotten the formula, but when I was ringing the bell however, I never forgot. In "The Usages of the Cistercian Monks", it reads "The Abbot will confide the task of ringing the bells to a monk who is noted for punctuality, so that all may be done at the correct time." I took this very seriously. I am a punctual person.

When ringing the bells, which was a tradition that went back hundreds of years at Lincoln Cathedral, the Cathedral being at that time over 900 years old, I could feel the history. I was often "accompanied " by a medieval ringer, who although imaginary, had left a presence that was unmistakable. To fit into a centuries old tradition in Lincoln, being an American, was a great and humbling honor.

To call the town to Mass, to worship, was a great gift. "Wake up ", Wake up ", the bell would ring. I sometimes thought of those who might take exception to it all. "There are those damn bells again", I could hear the non appreciative sleeper say. But the bells were for the "believers ", not the sleepy."Wake up ", "Wake up " the bell would ring.

Today, as I write my notes and blogs, I again call "Wake up ", "Wake up ". The bells are ringing. Know this; you and I are One. The bells ring for us to "Wake up " out of this "dream " of you and I, and realize we are One. Hear the bells. They say OM.

Peace

We are all Together

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together .
- John Lennon, "I am the Walrus"

In 1978, when I first encountered the "Cloud of Unknowing ", I read in the preface that the anonymous author was most likely an English country parson from the East Midlands. It went on to say how he had way of making difficult, complex ideas simple to understand, something I have been accused of, starting with my High School Philosophy teacher. The author of the "Cloud " also shows a very cautious way of warning his readers not to take everything he writes to heart without looking very closely for them selves, as his description is in words and the "unknowing " he is writing about is not available to the mind. I struggle with this, with every blog and note.

When, in a matter of five years, I found myself off to do volunteer work at Lincoln Cathedral, which I had never heard of before, I was surprised to find myself headed to the English East Midlands! The "Cloud " had changed my life. Here I was, in a strange place with my Partner, having sold all our possessions, and I felt at home. It was like bringing the "Cloud " home, and that country parson stayed by my side. He was like me. He was me.

In 1986 the Church proper, not liking the idea of two Gay men forming a religious community, forced it's closure. During the time the Community was struggling against closure, I discovered a book about Ramakrishna in the local library. This led to reading about Ramana Maharshi (it was next to Ramakrishna in the library.). When the community was finally closed down, we returned to San Francisco, but I was very keen to find more reading about Advaita Vedanta. In searching the San Francisco Library (a real treat after the Lincoln Library, I can tell you!) I stumbled upon "I AM THAT ".

When I opened "I AM THAT " for the first time, there in the library, and looked a the frontispiece; the picture of Nisargadatta Maharaj captivated me.

It was like looking into my own face. I could not read this book fast enough. It answered all the remaining questions and doubts I had tried to answer in Christianity. It was as if Nisargadatta was there with me, knew what I needed and directed me to it. Advaita itself was like confirming what I already "knew " but had no words for. Nisargadatta, even though he had left his physical body, became my Guru.

In dreams I have described elsewhere, Nisargadatta confirmed that we are one. Nisargadatta silently expressed that I should take "our " investment in Love and share it. You are reading some of that now.

After my "awakening ", also described elsewhere, I became aware that both the writer of the "Cloud " and Nisargadatta were no different than "me ", and that the "reader " of both the "Cloud " and "I AM THAT " were no different than the "writers ". I have a large photograph of Nisargadatta on one of my bookcases. In my house, I have only a couple of small photos of me and my Partner on horseback. When I want to see "me " I look at the picture of Nisargadatta with Love.

Once I realized that the English country parson and Nisargadatta were none other than the "Self ", I began to see that the Developmentally Disabled, the elderly and the homeless man peeing in the phone booth were also none other than the "Self ". I began to see the tree, the sky and the snail and slug as not separate, but the "Self " also. We are One. As you read this, you are reading your own words. But not "words ". The "Self " is loving itself. You, the reader, and I the writer are sharing Love. The words can't really say it, but the Love is here right now. I love you, and as John Lennon wrote in "I am the Walrus "; "...we are all together"!

Peace

Just the Beginning

Non-Dualists spend a lot of time thinking, philosophizing, and attending satsang. Although, I have never attended a satsang, I am guilty of the other two. In fact, when it comes to philosophizing, I have appointed myself a "teacher". But it is not really philosophy I "teach ", as that is not where my expertise lies. It is Love I share.

The particular "incident " that brought about the absolute conviction that there was only Love here, where this "Bill " used to be, is of no real importance. What matters is how will there be "pointing " to that, which has become the unfolding found here.

I believe that one of the "stumbling blocks " to awakening is the fear of Love itself. I don't mean a fear of the emotion "love" , but the "power " we sense. If we have been called to seek, not just to solve a "problem " or seek peace of mind, but a true calling that won't let us alone, it is Love calling itself to "seek " . We are called to enter into the "play of Love "; the call, the search, the awakening. Everything, including the mind and the "things " are part of that play.

One of the scariest, trickiest, and ultimately rewarding things we must do is to integrate our "selves " "lives " and "spirituality " into One. We need to understand that all this talk of illusions andappearances, as apposed to "the real " is simple duality. The appearances and illusions, stem from, and are inseparable from the Absolute. In the expressions of the Absolute, I am no judge as to "real " and "unreal ". Falling into acceptance, all is One.

Accepting the "realities " of pain, disappointment, and grief, as presented to this "illusory person ", are part of the real. The "illusory person " plays his part in this play of Love. We can't separate our "spiritual " side from our "body/mind " side, as they are one integral piece.

In the beginning, we learn that the mind is in control, and that it must be understood, ignored, and eventually put into it's place. This is self inquiry; the search for the "I am ". Once the "I am " is recognized, the scary part I referred to above occurs. We now have to integrate this "knowledge " with "life as it is ". They are really one thing, but by now we have isolated the mind, and it must be welcomed back into the fold.

This "switch " of the mind from master to servant is really the whole of the play of Love. But this is what many fear. It is much easier to stay in "awareness "; to empty the mind. This is a safe place. Silence. Peace. Awareness. This sounds comforting to the mind, and this is where many, if not most, get "stuck ". Somewhere along the line, life must "re-integrate ".

It's no big trick, master calculation, or philosophical conundrum, it's a "gut " thing; an act of "Grace ". But it requires more than "human " courage. It requires a surrender of courage. A helplessness that surrenders even the thought of redemption. A trust without option. Being willing to be absorbed into all that is, losing the individual, and gaining the "all", without "knowing " it, just being it. And then the trick remains to bring the "mind ", "personality", and all the illusory "stuff " into the understanding. This is how emptiness "dances " to paraphrase Adayashanti.

Ramana Maharshi, went into a deep state of Samadhi in his teens. Had he not have been found and cared for by devotees, he might have died. It took Ramana time to integrate his awakening with the "life " around him, and he began to speak again. Isolating yourself into a "corner " of awareness, no matter how blissful, or "aware" separates what you are. Just because the wave sees that it is part and parcel of the ocean, does not mean it's "life " as a wave is over. This discovery is just the beginning.

Peace

"Oh My God!"

As spiritual writers and "teachers " we often use the word "God ". It is a word that has a variety of meanings to a wide variety of people. But is conveys meaning beyond the specific meaning given it by any particular religion. It is the "reference ", the "absolute authority ". "God " is seen as creator, destroyer, savior, punisher, or any number of "human " based images. But "God " is illusion.

Now, by illusion I don't mean "God " is a total "figment ". "God ", like our individual appearance, is an expression. This morning when I was planning to write this, I was thinking of using the idea of "expression ", as in a facial expression, like a smile, wink or smirk. I was thinking of saying that "we are expressions of Love. (in place of "God") Like a smile on Love's face" . But there I was "personifying " again.

This could be the single largest problem in really understanding. When we become familiar with non-duality, we begin to understand that the concept of "God " is mind based. Some may reject religion altogether, and even change their vocabulary so pro - nouns are no longer allowed, and only "Oneness " recognized. Any mention of "God " in such a setting is scoffed at, at best, and could lead to rejection from the "non-dual community".

This results in the kind of dry, passionless, intellectual non-duality we see in many Western satsang situations. Some, newly awakened "expressions " believe their "experience " is what made them "aware ", so now they are devising "methods", "plans ", and "courses " to help you recreate their experiences. Spirituality becomes mind games and "practices ", no matter what "new age " names you label them with, even if you insist they "aren't practices ". This becomes psychological nonsense; "push out the bad thoughts, bring in the good". Where is the passion that love of "God " used to bring?

This creates, what was for me, the great paradox. Reason tells us that "God " is a concept. Experience tells us that "God " is a concept. Any amount of self inquiry should put both yourself and "God " in perspective. We find that "God " is an "expression " of the "all ", but the concept is anexpression of us. We create "God" in our own image ". The movement of Love is the foundation, the "space" as it were, "God " and "ourselves " being the expressions of that movement. We then extrapolate a "God " as a "grand us ". "God is more loving than us, and a whole lot meaner!" "God " is the original "superhero ".

The point is, whenever we use the term "God " we bring up images. Even in Advaita circles, "God " is mentioned repeatedly. Nisargadatta Maharaj used the term "God " often, and often in different contexts. Sometimes in the conventional way, sometimes as the Absolute. The Christ spoke of the "Father ". Ramana Maharshi was/and is himself worshiped and prayed to. Even places like Arunachala, Mecca, or Jerusalem are worshiped; held as "holy". What does this mean?

There is a natural desire for worship in mankind, perhaps in the universe. The Christ talked of the "stones rising up". This natural desire stems from the fact that we ARE worship, we ARE gratitude, we ARE expressions of Love in movement.

My writing has been spoken of as being "from the heart ". I was referred to in an interview as a "heart teacher ". I hope that does not mean that I am some kind of "bliss bunny ". I live every day of my life immersed in Love, and yet I believe in no "God ". I love fairy tales, but I have no desire to live in one. On the other hand, I do not accept some "scientific" explanations like the "Big Bang ". "God " and the "Big Bang " are equal in relevance and intelligence if you ask me. They are both man made "answers " to unanswerable questions.

I try not to use the word "God " without brackets. It is a word and idea deeply implanted in my brain, and I try very hard to make it understood when I do use it. I do this because the relationship "we " have with "God " is of vital importance to awareness. The love we feel for "God ", whether in our "neighbor ", the natural world or ourselves IS what we are. "God ", "neighbor ", world and ourselves all arising as expressions of that Love that we ARE.

The Love is real. You could say the "Love of God " is real, but not "God ". But that is confusing. If "God " is Love, then to love is to BE "God ". To love your neighbor as yourself is also it BE "God ". We can only be Love when we are totally immersed in our true being. When ideas of "I " are nowhere to be found, and ideas of "God " vanish along with them, we can relax into the Love that remains; the only thing that was there in the first place.

Peace.